Sunday, September 2, 2012

Identity


People in our lives are like mirrors that we often look in.  We look to those to see who we are and how we should be treated.  Some might get a big head from all the positive images we receive, but there are those out there that put imprints on us in a negative way.  Then we take on that identity binding us to something that isn’t true. 

I grew up to believe I needed to be perfect.  I believed that I had to perfect in everyway for people to accept me.  I believed I needed to be whatever others wanted/needed me to be. I use to believe that if I messed up, I would let God down.  That is all impossible!  I use to get depressed seeing at how imperfect I really am.   I couldn't stand myself, and often felt like I was too needy, or like I was a burden to others.  Living that way caused lots of pain…emotionally and physically. 

When I was approaching my 33rd birthday, the effects of living that way started taking a toll on me physically.  I didn’t sleep much and when I did, I didn’t sleep well.  My body started to ache…a lot and most of the time.  I would get shooting pains in my arms and legs.  Sometimes I ached like I had the flu.  My muscles in my legs, arms and back would feel stiff.  The felt like they needed to be stretched.  Lots of tests were run to figure out what was wrong.  Housework was so painful to do, but I did the best I could.  Luckily my kids helped me out some.  One doctor had me do physical therapy to treat my pain.  While I was doing physical therapy, I was really struggling to sleep more than an hour or two a night.  My doctor gave me a pill used to treat Fibromyalgia, to help me sleep.  I couldn’t believe how much better I felt physically with that medicine.  I didn’t change what I believed about myself, which more issues arose.  There were struggles in my marriage, because I tried to live up to being a perfect wife.  There were so many consequences coming at me at once.  Over time, allowing others to dictate who I was, I lost my real self.  During that time, I had a friend ask me what I needed and I didn’t have a clue. 
 
Allowing others to dictate who I was, slowing lost who I really was inside.  It was a long, painful journey trying to undo all of that, but it was worth it all.  I won’t be sharing some things on this blog, because I don’t want to hurt others and I don’t want others to judge those I love.  I do take the blame too, because I chose to live that way.

My hope in all of this is to help others.  I want you to know how special you are…God sure thinks so, and He loves you dearly.  You are unique!  My hope is for those who struggle as I did, is that you will allow God to help you change all of that.  Take some time seeking God and who He says you are.  Allowing God to tell me who I am is so freeing and I never want to go back to who I thought I was!


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